I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
