Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize