turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
