Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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