when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
