Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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