We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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