Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
