Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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