apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
