I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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