I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
