Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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