I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
