It's like a parade of train wrecks.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize