I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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