I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
