Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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