I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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