she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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