My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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