Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
