Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
