2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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