my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
