I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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