dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
