I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am naked and annoyed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
