Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
