She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
