I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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