i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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