I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
