One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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