It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
