TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize