My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
