You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
