the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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