a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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