i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
