I just made out with a guy for $7.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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