K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
two words: eviction party
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
