I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
