there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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