I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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