do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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