He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
