Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
