I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
