I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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