After last night, I could never be a politician.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
