I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
