my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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