been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
