I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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