i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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