It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
