remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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