You're my little dorito
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
