I need help removing her.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
