im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize