My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
