I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
