I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
